At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
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All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
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I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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