this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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