The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
