There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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