ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
