When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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