remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
