Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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