Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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