just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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