i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
