The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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