Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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