My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
