the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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