woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
