nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
