I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
