Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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