We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
