I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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