Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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