is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Randomize
