I should be sponsored by Trojan
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
my being single is dangerous.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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