I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
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