the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
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