don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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