Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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