Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
