Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
