well you can't waste a boner
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
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The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
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We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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