i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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