I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
