i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
We need a shit load of segways right now
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
