How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
