I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
