boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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