I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
did you just send me my own nude
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
