it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Randomize
