who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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