apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
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