My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
