guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
