Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
