i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
