he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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