Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
