My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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