I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
