Where is the hickey?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Randomize
