party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
