i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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