she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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