im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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